Who?: Yo~ What? You really want to know stuff about me? Okay...

Age: 19

Favorite books: Mine. ^^;;; But as for other authors, Mercedes' Lackey's Herald Mage Trilogy and the Coldfire Trilogy.

Current favorite anime character: Mokoto~~~ Wai! ^_^ The Ghost in the Shell TV series rules!

What? My name? Oh yeah! ^^;;; The ever great and wonderful (haha) Ricky. ^_^

The buckaw was eaten by the buckat. The end.

Bums with pitas/blogs:

Kitty
Tomo
Sharky
Lilisin
Wedge
Alli
Steffie
The DBC
Abe

Life as a Man
Hanashika.com

Archive
Past Ramblings

Le Layout: The piccyture is of Koukeisha, an original character that if I put too much about her, some future publishing company will be annoyed so I shall just stop there. ~_~

And just remember, expose yourself to art.

Friday, April 30, 2004 03:34 p.m.
Have moved to Live Journal cause I rather like the comments.
www.livejournal.com/users/youkoricky
And isn't the username predictable?

Wednesday, April 14, 2004 01:03 p.m.
I keep having this panicky feeling that something is gonna go wrong. Hell, it's probably the two tests in the next two days. I'm so fucking screwed... and hell, my GPA is already gonna get lower.

And then there's the fact that I'm trying to look for a major before I sign up for classes and I can't fucking figure out anything that even makes me feel good for now. I know I have the option of changing it. I just want to feel for a little while that I'm doing what I want.

.... I think I'm going to go eat M&M's and attempt to read something for one of my tests. Stress and I don't get along well. ~_~

Friday, April 9, 2004 11:33 a.m.
Fridays are fun. Abe took me to get breakfast tacos before dropping me off at school. They were muchly happy good. ^_^ And now I have one class (my favorite) before I get to go home. Yay~~ *waves little flag*

We're going to Dallas for Easter this weekend. Shall be nice to see Grandpa and Aunt Jane and (best of all) Aunt Janet. I don't get to see her very often, which is sad, but it shall be fun.

And while Abe was setting up Daddy's new computer last night, a cd shattered in the cd-rom. It was interesting. ^^ The cd was rather old. Daddy has a tendency to stay with something if it works... and therefore most of the programs puppy loaded last night are at least several years old. So he's gotta take the cd-rom back today cause it's ruined. ~_~ Ah well. Tis now time to go to class. ^_^

Wednesday, April 7, 2004 12:59 p.m.
And because of puppy's post, I now have Fly Me To the Moon stuck in my head. Not a bad thing though. ^_^

Yes, it has actually been an entire year. Still don't really understand how that happened. Where did the time go? @_@ But has been a mostly good year. There have been ups and downs... and several more downs than I would like, but hey, that's life.

It's been a good year. Puppy, I hope for many more. Love you.

Monday, April 5, 2004 01:07 p.m.
Well... life has been interesting lately. My dad is gonna get married. o_O I'm happy for him and all... but at the same time my mind keeps going 'what the FUCK?' Her name is Barbara and she's nice. She's gonna be taking my old room as her study, which I don't mind much. Just means I gotta clean everything of mine out. But that's okay as I was meaning to get rid of most of it anyway. ^^;;;

But my puzzles~~! My precious puzzles! Where shall I put you~~~~?

Yeah... I really didn't expect this. Daddy has had lots of girlfriends and they always come and go. I generally smile and be nice to them and don't get too attached because I generally believe that they're gonna leave someday. And sometimes I'm so grateful. ~_~ But anyway, he's been dating her for awhile and they seem really happy together. I'm happy for him. Shall just be strange. I've never had a stepmom before. ^^;;; Doesn't really matter though, as I don't have to live with her, so it's all good. ^^

Aaaand~~! Daddy finally got a new computer! This is news because the one he's currently using is 6 years old and has Windows 95 on it. I'm so proud of him. ^^ Abe looked at his old one and told him there was a chance that the harddrive was gonna go out (it makes noises @_@) and he finally gave in. He's been having compatability problems for awhile because no one bothers to make anything compatable with Win 95 anymore. People in computer stores kind laugh when he tells them he has it. ~_~ But anyway, Abe has built him a computer for surprisingly cheap. @_@ We went to Fry's yesterday and the boy enjoyed himself immensely. ^^

And I say death the the old one!! It hates me and I hate it. It will shut down randomly for me and me ONLY most of the time. It also freezes and tells me I can't do things and GRRR! ^^;;;;

So... story of my life at the moment. ^^

Wednesday, March 24, 2004 11:07 a.m.
Blarg. Someday I will get enough sleep... or I can sleep when I'm dead. ^^ Have been having fun lately. Saw Kitty and Sharky yesterday and was made to watch some Oz. It's incredably violent and strange... yet good at the same time. Don't know why, but that's okay. ^^

Now if only my shoulder would stop hurting, that would be nice. Can only sleep on one side. Makes me sad, as I tend to roll over a lot. ;_; Shoulder~~~ What be wrong with you~~~

Yes, I am now talking to my body parts. ^^ Whee.

Monday, March 22, 2004 12:59 p.m.
Whooo... Played and watched people play about 9 hours of Double Dash and a little bit of Sonic. Where did the time go and why is it so addictive? @_@ I'm not a newbie to it anymore though! I beat my puppy! Go me!

Have seen my twins, so it's all good. ^_^ Tis good to see out of town people again. I miss them.

Gee, you'd think I'd have more to write since I haven't written in here in forever. ~_~ Ah well.

Wednesday, March 17, 2004 01:58 p.m.
Well, my bum mode is in full swing at the moment. I haven't done anything productive in days... unless you count playing Sonic. It's... kinda productive...

Or not. ^^;;; Tomorrow I'm gonna kick myself in the butt and do things, but right now, it feels like another good day to be a bum. ^_^ Yay for Spring Break.

Saturday, March 13, 2004 02:22 p.m.
I AM TEH L337 MASTA~~~~~

Have rediscovered my love of Sonic... so therefore I am planning to steal... I mean borrow one of Puppy's GameCubes and the game and play till I can't anymore. ^_^ Yay~~

In other news... I LOVE SPRING BREAK~~~ Yay for captial letters. ^^

Wednesday, March 10, 2004 12:56 p.m.
Well... has been interesting lately. I'm done with my last test before spring break though. Yay~~~

Have had lots of bad dreams lately. I don't really mind, except I generally don't remember much of them when I wake up, but they sneak into the rest of my day. While I was studying for my test today, I suddenly remembered that Domino died... then had to remind myself that NO, that was a DREAM, thank goodness. Domino is alive and well and probably sleeping in the shade at home while the deer eye our plants. Other dreams... others have been worse. They bother me, but at least they don't seem quite as real. @_@

So close to spring break. Time, go just a little faster~~~~ @_@

Oh yeah, here's one of those silly quiz thingys. ^^

Monday, March 1, 2004 09:49 a.m.
So, things are better. Slept enough last night. Ate this morning, and am currently avoiding reading for class to write this. ^^;;;;

.... it's such a good thing I have a belt though. Me pants don't fit me anymore. ;_;

Friday, February 27, 2004 06:16 a.m.
Times like this I wish I had someone to pray to. But I'm not religious and I never have been. I can't bring myself to believe there's someone up there watching over me. Not after all the shit I've been through. And if there is a god there who just watches... well, that's a little more believable, but what's the use in praying to a god like that?

I'd better stop that train of thought before I offend anymore people. I just want to believe that some day this will end. Some day I'll be able to eat what I want WHEN I want. Some day I'll be able to sleep in again. Woke up at 4 this morning. Some day my heart will stop hurting and stop dragging my body through this crap.

Not today, though. Today is just another day that I have to suffer through. I'm not exagerating, I'm not indulging in self pity, I'm not trying to be angsty. Those of you who have made jokes about that, please stop. It's okay when it's about my past, I was that way and I will admit it. But don't mock my pain now. I'm getting through this the best I can. I don't ask for sympathy or understanding from any of you. What I'm going through now has nothing to do with who and what I was before. It only has to do with my fool heart. So don't make jokes. Don't mock me, however gently. There may be a time for that later, but not now. Not while the pain is so close. It's the last thing I need.

Thursday, February 26, 2004 09:24 a.m.
Food is good. Ate dinner last night. Feeling sick this morning is not. I feel sick every morning... but this is the worst so far. Normally it fades after awhile. Right now I'm just hoping I'll feel good enough to go to school when the time comes. And I promised Katie I'd meet her somewhere today and Momma that I'd come to dinner tonight. My body has the worst fucking timing in the world. I don't want to think that it was my eating that's doing this to more. Eating is supposed to be good for you, dammit! And homemade mac and cheese isn't dangerous so far as I know.

And am having an almost fucking surreal conversation with him. My mind is the strangest place I've ever been.

Wednesday, February 25, 2004 12:56 p.m.
I hate what I am right now. I hate the fact that I need to vent in this thing, hate the fact that I'm bitter again, hate the fact I can't eat or sleep well or pay good attention in class. I hate being a bitch, yet can't seem to stop myself when I say something horrible to him. Being mean for an extended period of time is completely against my nature and I don't want to be this way anymore. I'M SICK OF BEING THIS WAY!

And yet I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to make it so that I enjoy food again and I don't know how to be nice to him anymore. I hardly even know what to do with myself when I'm alone. My first response is to call someone, just to hear another voice. But I can't do that a good part of the time. My friends are busy. I can't worry my parents.

I can't do anything right right now. Yes, I know I'm hard on myself. I hold myself up to the standards of my family and I always always come out failing. Between my dad being good at almost everything he touches to my grandpa's invention... sometimes I wish I had a different family. I love them, but I don't measure up to them at all. My little sister even excels me. I should be better and I'm not. And I never will be.

Wednesday, February 25, 2004 10:54 a.m.
GODDAMN IT! I'm never going to stop finding his fucking hair at this rate! It was in my goddamn hair tie. Fuck fuck fuck.

Wednesday, February 25, 2004 07:20 a.m.
One of these days I'm going to SLEEP UNTIL 9 GODDAMN IT!! Until then, I'm stuck waking up at 6 something and laying around in bed until my stomach starts rebelling (which doesn't take long.) So, not much sleep might mean I don't get to go to Wedge's concert tonight. If I eat I might have the energy for it. I'll try Wedge! I really will! But lately just walking around school has me completely and utterly exhausted. *sigh*

So, I still don't feel great. I'm better than I was, I think. It's hard to tell sometimes because I push it all to the back of my mind for a little while and sometimes it jumps out at me unexpectedly and makes me feel like shit again. I miss his company and want to see him, but I've promised myself that I will start eating normally again before that happens. At least then I'll know the worst is over. And I want to start eating again really really soon. >_< Now would be good. I'm gonna try after I finish this, but mornings aren't really good times for me so I don't have much hope of it.

I won't say that I don't have fantasies about him coming back, but they're not especially welcome. I don't think I'd want him back, even given the chance. I trust relatively easily, but once that's broken, I generally don't give it again. I will trust him as a friend some time in the future, but never as anything else. And if I've gotten more paranoid than I was before... well, I'll let my next girl or boyfriend beat him up. ^^

Yes, I know I said never again. I've said that for every relationship I've ever had. It's a first response that makes me feel better for a little while, even if I know it's not true. Still, it's going to be quite awhile before I get into a relationship again. One, I don't want to be carrying the baggage around from this one while I'm with someone else, and two, I just need a very long break from being that caught up in someone else's life. And, there's also the consideration that I don't meet new people very often, so it might be another three or four years (time between last two relationships.) And that's perfectly fine with me. I can live without love, without sex, without anything that comes with a relationship. I've done it before and have been happy doing it. I think that's where some people trip up: they believe that they have to be with someone or their life just isn't complete. I have very dear friends to turn to when I get lonely, I don't need anything else. I may want it, after a very long while, but I don't need it and as long as I remember that, I'll be fine.

Tuesday, February 24, 2004 03:43 p.m.
I hate this. I really fucking hate this. I had this overwhelming need to get home from the moment I stepped into my first class. I wanted to be safe, I wanted to get away from the pain, but even when I get here, the pain follows. I feel safer, but the pain follows me. I couldn't stop thinking about it today and between that, the hunger pangs, and my drowsiness, I didn't even get much from my classes. I just want to scream for someone to make it stop, but no one can. It's my own problem and I have to pick myself back up.

It feels like it's never gonna end. I know it hasn't been that long, but the past days have stretched out into an eternity for me. Every day drags by and is usually no better than the last. Some are worse, like today. I don't even want to explain why today is worse, but it is. I want this to stop before I got nuts. I want to be able to go out without desparately wanting to go back home. I want to be able to stop the parade of thoughts that is currently driving me mad and is giving me the worst fit I've had in awhile.

Gods... just someone make it stop.

Tuesday, February 24, 2004 11:03 a.m.
I AM SO FUCKING HUNGRY! GODDAMN MY MIND!

Tuesday, February 24, 2004 08:54 a.m.
So, got 7 hours of sleep, and then got another 45 minutes dozing in my chair. Being awake and laying down makes me want to throw up, which I might have done had there been anything in my stomach.

I really hate this. I know this is bad for me, but I can't stop it. If I force myself to eat, then it'll probably just come right back up, but I'm so hungry. I don't see how anorexic people can stand it. I love food too much and I love actually having ENERGY too much to not eat. I am rather amazed at how little it takes to keep me going though. This is not to say I'll eat less in the future, but it's interesting to know just how little food the human body needs to do its basic functions.

Talked to the bunny last night. It helps to have someone who's been through something like this before to talk to. Course, talking to any of my friends keeps me sane, but he actually helps me work things out sometimes, whether he's aware of it or not.

Narg. More sleep needed, but it makes me feel sicker. I don't think I've ever been depressed to the point of not wanting food, but the interesting part is, there are parts of me that are pretty free from depression. Everything hurts, yes, but the reason I can still go to school and think (on a limited level anyway) is because it's not so overwhelming. I wonder if it's because I know how to deal with it now, or what. My mind is an odd place and I've made a habit of always trying to figure out the way it works. I've been only partially successful, but then, I don't think anyone ever completely knows their own mind, or anyone else's for that matter.

And Katie is coming over this morning, bringing smoothies. I don't know why she has the morning off, but it's all good. ^^

Monday, February 23, 2004 07:31 p.m.
Arg. The logical part of me is perfectly willing to get over this crap and get on with my life. The emotional part of me (along with the rest of me) is still stuck being hurt. I hate carrying pain around with me. It sits like a physical weight in my chest and intensifies when something particularly reminds me of him (though almost everything does.) The girl in my archeology class that looks like the bitch particularly hurts. Mornings are the worst, and evenings are second to them. It must because I don't have much to do. I'm too tired to read and it's way too early to go to bed.

I don't cry as much anymore. The pain has moved deeper than that and settled in. Now it's just lodged in my chest and won't go away. Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe.

Gods, I hate writing here with all this shit. It reminds me too much of what I used to be, when I splayed my every problem up here for everyone to see. I've gotten to be more of a private person since then... sometimes Abe thought I was too private, too shy. It seems like most things in my life are tied to him somehow so that there's no way to get away from the reminders. There's no place I can go where he never was... except school and even that is a reminder in and of itself. He took it so hard when I got to UT before him because I was a year behind him, school-wise.

I don't know what I need to make myself feel better. The only time this weight wasn't here was when I hugged him this morning, and when he smiled a little when I said that we could be friends someday... but I certainly can't ask for his company very often, nor do I know if I really want it. I do know I want to see him every once in awhile. I'm planning to wait until the weight lifts a little though. Seeing him makes me feel better... but it hurt afterwards. Not as much as I thought it would, but it did hurt.

Monday, February 23, 2004 06:03 p.m.
I have found someone that knows less about video games than me. I so win. Stef is currently trying to figure out Mario Brothers. ^^ She gets very... into it.

Monday, February 23, 2004 02:31 p.m.
Owch. That test hurt. ~_~ Me now go crawl off to my lab and try not to GO NUTS in it. Hate this lab sooooo much.

Monday, February 23, 2004 01:12 p.m.
So, I saw him this morning. I asked him to come over and give me back my chopsticks, which I'd left in his car ages ago. I'm surprised Shini didn't eat them like she eats everything else. Look! I made a joke! Go me.

It... didn't hurt as much as I thought it would to see him. Yes, I'm still mad and I don't think I'll ever fully understand why, but I'm now starting to believe that seeing him every once in awhile will help. If you think otherwise, then talk to me, but I do have my reasons. If I wasn't so damn soft-hearted, I wouldn't have all the friends I do now. And if I allowed relationships to get in the way of friendships, then I would be less two very good friends at the moment. Yes, it hurts. Gods, it hurts. But while I don't love him anymore, I still seem to care for him. I have quite figured that part out very well, but I think that's right.

Abe... when I said goodbye, I think I was trying to say goodbye to 'my' Abe. Friends, good friends, are rare and wonderful things. You hurt me, but friends do that to each other sometimes. The best ones pick themselves up afterwards and go on with life. I'm going to be difficult for awhile, and for that I won't apologize. Don't be surprised if I throw you out on your ass every once in awhile or rail at you or whatever. I will shoot to kill with my words when I get mad, as you may have noticed, but anger does pass after awhile. If you want to know the truth, you're the first that I can do that with. The others... either it was my fault or I was too scared to demand why. So, I'm no good at this. Give me time, and lots of it please. Just know that, in the end, you will have me as a friend.

And to sooth some worries, I did eat lunch today. I got some california rolls and figured my body couldn't reject them. ^^ It worked. I feel a little light headed, but it'll pass and I promise I'll try to eat some more when I get home.

And now must go attempt to study for test, which I will probably fail. Grr.

Monday, February 23, 2004 07:14 a.m.
I feel so very sick. My body desparately wants food, but any time I even try to put anything in my mouth, I have to fight not to go spit it out and throw up. This isn't good for me. I know it. And I can't stop it.

I woke up at 6:30 and couldn't fall back asleep. It's hardest in bed. I can't sleep in any position but on my back because it'll feel like he's there if I'm on my side. How can I be haunted by the ghost of someone who's not even dead?

Oh yeah, something else I learned: being nice gets you nowhere. She knew every button to push and every string to pull and didn't have any qualms about doing any of it. "She's not a puppettier all the time," he says. Excuse me, but there's an ALL THE TIME in there. That implies that she is most of the time. How the fuck do I get left behind for that? WHAT THE FUCK WAS SO WRONG WITH ME THAT YOU HAD TO CHOOSE HER?!!!!! WHAT?! Supposedly you loved her first, but when I first knew you, she was treating you like shit! And you know what? That never really changed. But as soon as she saw that she couldn't have you, she wanted you. And hell, what was I next to that? Nothing, it seems. Not enough to even merit a little THOUGHT about how you would tell me. You didn't THINK! You never fucking THINK!

Gods... While watching Phantom of the Opera yesterday, I sympathized with the Phantom for the first time. Because in this relationship, that's what I am. The left over one. I just don't know what my imperfection is. Hey Abe, do you think that if I became a fucking bitch you'd fall in love with me again? Probably not. Because I could never get to the level she does.

I want to eat... I want to sleep... I want to feel better. I can't seem to do any of these things. And today I have a test and a lab I dispise. You never did have good timing, Abe. You always had fucking terrible timing.

Sunday, February 22, 2004 11:49 a.m.
I've realized, after talking to Stef and Brenna that it sounds like I'm not eating because I don't want to. That's not it. I'm not eating because food makes me feel sick. I got some stuff at the store today thats easy to eat and I've eaten a couple figgy newtons. I'm really trying to take care of myself, so please don't think that I'm not. (aka don't threaten to beat me till I eat *coKittyugh*)

Sunday, February 22, 2004 07:44 a.m.
I got a little more sleep last night. I tried to go to bed early, but didn't go to sleep until some time after 11. I woke up at 7 and couldn't stand to lay in bed any longer because I couldn't stand to lay there and think about the fact that he's gone.

I talked to him last night. As a result, a lot of my anger is gone. I miss it. It felt better to be angry. Now I'm just kinda in disbelief. I don't feel like this is real. It feels like soon I'm going to wake up with his arms around me... but never again. His ghost follows me around. I keep seeing him there, smiling up at me, or reaching out to hold me and I just want to reach out and touch his rough cheek...

Never again. Never again never again never again. Maybe if I say it enough times I can believe it. I took a shower this morning in the hopes that if I could get the water hot enough, if I could scrub hard enough, I could wash all of it away. And then some of his hair was on the shampoo bottle. And there was some in my sink. And the shirt I'm wearing was one that was at his house and since it was hanging up with his clothes, it smells like him. I should change it. I think I will after I finish this.

I'm going to see Phantom of the Opera today. With any luck I'll be able to keep hold of myself until I get home again. Going out in public is hard. Smiling is harder. Even when I manage it, it feels unbearably wrong and I can't keep it.

So. What have I learned this time? What shall I take away from this relationship? Don't trust them even when they're sincere. Even when they believe every thing they're saying. Don't let someone that deeply in. Don't believe them when they say you're beautiful because if you start to believe it, it all goes away when they do. I don't see any beauty starting at me from the mirror now. I used to, just a bit, because he believed I was so much.

Damn me for believing he'd never hurt me. Damn me for forgetting what kind of power I gave him when I started loving him. Damn me for hoping that this time would be different. I should have known that it wouldn't be. I should have known that I'd never be the one he'd choose to be with. The signs were all there, and I didn't always ignore them, but in my heart I believed that he would stay with me. And I tried so hard to be the better one for him.

I really should eat. I ate a tortilla last night and woke up feeling vaguely sick. I had a hard time just eating that. Gods, I hate to worry people, but it helps to have it written. It helps to write out the pain. It doesn't make it any less, but it helps.

On the way to and from home it was hard to find things on the radio I can listen to. Anything that touches me hurts. Anything that reminds him of me. "Free Falling" reminds me of him being reminded of me. I hope I can listen to that song someday without thinking that. It's one of my favorites. Both Audioslave and Maroon 5 came on. Both were turned off in a second.

Gods, I just want so badly to see him and be hugged, but I don't know if that would be good. Why should I want to see him? Why? Because I miss him so much. Because I don't really feel comfortable crying around anyone else. All the rest of my friends.... I've already dragged through too much. I feel like I'm just a burden on them. And I know this worries them. I know I shouldn't be putting this stuff up... but I have to. I have to get it out of my head so it stops endlessly circling. Some of it always stays, but I can get some of it to go away for awhile by putting it here.

So, I offered everything I have and it wasn't good enough. Maybe it will never be. Maybe I don't deserve to be loved. I don't know. All I know is everything hurts now.

Saturday, February 21, 2004 05:10 p.m.
Mood swings aren't fun. Especially when they're this violent. I'm way down, and then I'm okay for a little while, and then it hits me again. Went home today, did laundry, planted peach trees and ate something substantal for the first time in... quite awhile. Can't really remember the last time I ate a meal. I need to get some food that I can grab without having to prepare it and that's light enough that it won't make me naseous. I'm so messed up right now it's not even funny.

I'm not really okay, but I think I might be eventually. I've been through so much shit already that seeing the light at the end of the tunnel is pretty easy by now. After awhile I'll rearange everything in my head so it doesn't hurt so much and then let time take the rest of the pain away. Who knows, maybe I'll convince myself that I didn't really love him, like I did with Rayna. More likely, I'll convince myself that he didn't love me. I don't know what I believe right now. It's hard to think and it's kind of hard to talk. I find myself stuttering a little every once in awhile. Must be the stress.

And I have a test on Monday. Let's hope I can get up the concentration to study for it. It's not looking good at the moment. Shit shit shit.

Saturday, February 21, 2004 07:43 a.m.
So... I'm up. Got about six hours of sleep, but was unable to doze off again once I woke up this morning. I have the feeling it's gonna be like that for awhile.

Abe, my name is ERICA. Only my friends call me Ricky. Remember that.

Friday, February 20, 2004 10:24 p.m.
Okay, I'm single again. Abe left me for that fucking bitch (which is what I shall call her, for she has no name for me now.) And fucking bitch, I hope you still read this. You know why? SO I CAN CALL YOU A FUCKING BITCH THAT'S WHY!!!!!!!!! Very cute of you to wait until I mentioned Abe in my blog to pull you're 'I and only I must have him and no one else should ever be able to look at him without my sayso.' I fucking bend over backwards to try to keep any mention of me away from you to not set you off and you know what you do? YOU READ MY FUCKING BLOG. You are a stupid fucking bitch who only wants what she can't have.

And Abe. What do I say to you since you won't answer your phone? I really don't know. What I do know is that you are the last time I ever trust anyone's promises. "I love you" and "I won't leave you" won't be believed by me coming from ANYONE. A few of my old friends are the only exceptions to this. I'm done with serious relationships, done with any relationships for a very long time. You said you didn't want to hurt me, well this was the worst thing you could do to me, and you FUCKING KNEW this. I told you.

And why am I putting this out where everyone can see it? Because I can. Because I'm a bitch. And you're going to see just how much of a bitch I can be. I'm not going to make this easy for you. I hope you go through the same hell I am, and I hope that the fucking bitch is unsympathetic. Have fun living in her little box. If you're lucky, maybe she'll let you out sometimes. Doubt it though.

And find my fucking ring so you can give it back to me.

Wednesday, February 18, 2004 01:13 p.m.
I have come to the conclusion that I need more sleep. I just nearly dozed off in my favorite class. ;_; Wan! I like archeology and it's in no way boring! Sleep~~~ I need you~~~~ *flop* And now lets hope I can get through a slightly boring class before I can go home. @_@

Wednesday, February 18, 2004 11:32 a.m.
Forgetting watch at home makes me grumpy. Hmph. The puppy showed me Willow yesterday and was completely and utterly horrified that I had never even heard about it. It's all better now though... mostly. I think he's gonna tease me about it for the next fifty years or so. ~_~ Ah well. Was a good movie. "You're mother was a lizard!"

Ehehehe... ^^

Just had to put poor Ted (replacement for Bob) into an incredibly dusty USB port. *pats Ted* Apparently people don't use the USB's on the school computers very often.

And now, stomach commands me to EAT. Must go. ^^

Monday, February 16, 2004 11:24 a.m.
Well, my back and shoulders are extremely sore, but I now have a beanbag chair. ^^ I made it yesterday and the day before. It isn't filled yet, but it will be soon and then it shall All Be Good.

Gah. Wish I didn't have to carry a book in my bag today. ~_~ Sewing doesn't sound like something that would make you hurt, but it really does if you do it for four straight hours. ^^;;;;

So, now off to class. Whee~~~

Wednesday, February 11, 2004 09:01 a.m.
Rain~~~ And I'm wet~~~

But not quite as wet as yesterday. I have a trench coat and it's ALL GOOD. Backpack is still soaked though. ~_~ Either need to get an umbrella or waterproof backpack. Would perfer the latter. ^^

Also have nice new fuzzy scarf. ^^

Ah, busy busy day. Shall be cooking for Daddy and potentially four other people tonight. Shall be interesting. ^^

And now! Back out into the rain!

Tuesday, February 10, 2004 11:39 a.m.
I am wet!

And kinda cold. Cold and wet are bad. Cold is fine, wet is good, cold and wet together make me crazy. @_@ But I have no umbrella, so oh well. ^^ Just so long as I can keep my books dry, it's all good.

Been muchly busy lately. ~_~ Taking care of my boy and reading textbooks and seeing parents eats up a lot of time. And I must find time soon to do laundry. I have no clean clothes. @_@ Must also either go home to do it (not enough time! want to see kitties~~~~ ;_;) or find a laundry mat that's cheaper than the machines at the apartments. I'm not paying a dollar a load when the load is a pair of pants and a sweater. I'm much too cheap for that. Would rather wear dirty clothes for awhile.

But anyway. Should probably go to class soon.

Wednesday, February 4, 2004 01:15 p.m.
Yay for mood swings. Was really bubbly-happy this morning, an am now kinda blah. Had some very odd (and at one point, very satisfying) dreams last night. My mind is a strange strange place. But it's kinda fun in here.

Tis raining, which is nice. I generally don't like being cold and wet at the same time, but if I walk fast enough, I manage to keep myself warm and enjoy the rain at the same time. ^^ I laugh at the puny mortals with umbrellas! Mwahahaha! And I love my hat when it rains. Keeps it off my glasses. ^^ Need thicker pants though. @_@ My upper half is warm and my bottom half is cold. Arg! Shall probably be wearing my cordorys (or however you spell it) until it gets warm again cause they're the only warm pants I have. >_< Grr.

And why am I rambling about this here? I have no idea. Onward!

Now if I could only write something... I want to write, but I don't know what to write. I'm not angry/depressed enough to work on one of my stories (which is more venting for me than anything anyone is ever likely to see) and the rest just seem kinda stuck. Dammit dammit dammit.

Have meself a new pencil though. It's kinda like my very favorite one that I lost, but not quite. I miss my other one. ;_; It was my birthday present, precious... The tricksy gnomes took it away...

Ooookay... time for Ricky to stop rambling now. ^^;;;

Monday, February 2, 2004 11:09 a.m.
So, am settling into my apartment nicely and am rather enjoying living away from home. It's odd, I haven't been homesick once since moving in. Guess I was ready to move out. ^^

Momma went and raided Grandpa's kitchen for kitchen stuff, so we now have more than two pots to cook with! Go Momma! They shall have to be washed out very well, though, cause they haven't been used in at least 22 years (when Grandma died... Grandpa doesn't cook.) We have a wok now~~~ Makes me happy~~~

I'll be sending out an e-mail sometime soon with my phone number and address and stuff. If you don't get it in the next couple of days, bug me cause it probably means I forgot. ~_~ Now, off to class!

Wednesday, January 28, 2004 12:56 p.m.
I love my archeology class~~~ ^_^ We started on Egypt. What could be more perfect? That's my favorite long-dead society. ^^;;;

And in other news... well there isn't any, really. Still slowly unpacking and job search will start up again soon (now that I can move my back!) So... guess I shall go read until class starts. Wish I could have brought my textbooks to read, cause I need to get some of that done, but I didn't want to be carrying much weight in case my back decided to randomly start hurting again. Arg. Damn my body.

Monday, January 26, 2004 01:19 p.m.
I'm alive~~~

.... I think. Well, I'm moved in at any rate. ^^ Don't have internet yet, so have to mooch of school computers.

Damn this keyboard sucks.

Friday, January 23, 2004 09:56 p.m.

create your own visited country map or check out these Google Hacks.

Funfun.

So, I'm all packed and ready to go tomorrow. Domino is edgy and rather clingy and Patches is very loopy from her vet visit today.

Don't have much to say really. Think I shall go crash now.

Thursday, January 22, 2004 12:05 a.m.
So, once again I'm tired, yet awake. I finally got sick of reading at midnight and am currently trying to see if I can catch anyone online. Fortunately, people are here, so I'm not gonna go nuts with boredom while I'm awake anyway. Thank goodness for small blessings.

Three more days... just three more days and then maybe I can get some undrugged sleep....

Tuesday, January 20, 2004 01:02 a.m.
I can't sleep. This is the fourth night in a row that sleep will not come. I'm exhausted. Sitting up is tiring, but I can't seem to doze off. My mind is set on high and won't be shut down. What little sleep I've been able to get is fragmented and in small doses. Gods, I just want to sleep.

Sunday, January 18, 2004 10:13 a.m.

I am a Hippy



Which America Hating Minority Are You?

Take More Robert & Tim Quizzes
Watch Robert & Tim Cartoons

Saturday, January 17, 2004 07:26 p.m.
I HAVE FOUND AN APARTMENT! GO ME!

Bet you didn't see that coming, did ya? ^_~

Thursday, January 15, 2004 09:36 p.m.
Jesus H. fucking Christ on a damn pogo stick! I can't find a job and my sister is being offered three! Yes! Three! Fuck me.

Friday, January 9, 2004 06:21 p.m.
Well, I'm back from Corpus and while I'm glad to be home, damn I wish I didn't have to be around Katie. Having discovered something she doesn't like about Daddy, she's being a complete and utter bitch about it. And a hypocrite. Arg. >_<

But anyway. Corpus was okay, but I'm so very glad to be home. I missed the warm fuzzies that run around on four legs. Will say more when I feel like it. Am too annoyed at Katie to say much now.

Monday, December 29, 2003 11:59 a.m.
WARNING! This is an old-fashioned typical Ricky bitch post. I had promised myself I would try to keep from doing these, but I gotta rant somewhere. Sorry. Wouldn't blame you if you skipped it.

First off, I'm a fucking coward and I hate my fucking phobia. I can't make it go away and I can't control it more than a little. I don't think there's anyone I know who hasn't told me I 'just need to get over it.' Just for future reference, please don't tell me that. I've got a short fuse where this is concerned. If I could 'just get over it' then it wouldn't be a phobia, now would it? I have the feeling that the next person to say that is gonna be told to fuck off. For those of you who don't know (though I rather doubt that anyone reading this doesn't) I can't stand the thought of getting a shot or anything that involves a needle. I don't know where I got it from, but several bad experiances have made it much worse.

And then there's my classes. I don't give a shit about any of the ones I signed up for and none of them lead me in any direction that I want for a major. I was just picking things to fit slots. Yes, they interest me, but I want something that's gonna take me somewhere. This is just so much random crap that wastes my time and money. I may be 'on the right track' going to UT, but the track doesn't currently lead anywhere. I'm just stuck. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Yes, I want to write, but I know I can't do that for a living. I write much too slowly for that.

And I just want to get out of this house. Most people think I'm crazy when I say that cause I have great parents, but I want OUT. I can't really put my finger on exactly why, but it's mostly because I know I'm ready now. I generally hate being pushed into things, but once I'm ready, I just want to do it. I want an apartment near campus so I don't have to drive so fucking much. I want to live in ONE place again. I have been warned that I may end up living in three places, but I'll willing to take that risk. I want a place that is mine. I want to be able to go out without keeping someone posted on where I am and what I'm doing. I'm sorry if this sounds like stupid teenaged rebellion. That's now how it is. I just want to feel a little independent. I want to be like the rest of my friends. I want to be on my own in some small way.

But in order for that to happen, I have to find a job and a roommate first. The job is gonna be the hard part, I think. I'll deal with the roommate when I get there.

Christ, I'm so fucked up. What I would really like is... fuck, I don't know. To just, for a little while, have no big problems that affect my life I guess. So many people look back on college as their best years. If these are my best years, then I don't want the rest of it.

Saturday, December 27, 2003 09:43 p.m.

... if you say so. ^^;;;;

Tuesday, December 23, 2003 10:18 a.m.
It's almost Christmas again. Christmas was really fun for me as a kid, but now it's a rather bothersome holiday. Yes, I love giving people stuff, but I don't like having to find stuff to give people. I like shopping with people and getting something for them then and there when they see something they like. It's easier and it means my spending is a little more spread out.

But oh well. What's really been on my mind lately is the fact that this has been an odd Christmas for me. I've already opened half my presents with Daddy (Grandma sunk to an all-time low on bad presents this year) and Katie, who has been around for all my Christmases but one no matter where we were, is up in Wiscounsin. There really was no way in hell I was gonna go up there, but she really wanted to so she went alone. Apparently the one year I don't go there's snow. Go figure.

But anyway, it's just odd to have her not here. I may complain about her a lot, but when we get along, we're rather close. She called this morning to brag about the snow. So, my one constant is gone. That's okay, really. I'm not all that bothered by having a different Christmas. But this holiday doesn't really seem to mean that much to me anymore. Yeah I get presents, but I don't need/want most of them. (this does not apply to any presents given by people who might be reading this cause those of you who read this and gave me presents gave me great ones. ^_^) I just perfer to not get presents than get ones that are completely and utterly useless to me. (mostly Grandma's presents) It just means I have to find somewhere to get rid of them. You guys have seen my room. It's already full of junk. ~_~ And it's been weeded out so it's mostly junk I don't want to part with. *sigh* If only Momma didn't store stuff in my closet, then I'd have more room, but oh well. ^^

Okay, I seem to have wandered as far as I'm gonna cause I've run out of interesting (or not, as the case my be) things to say.

Wednesday, December 17, 2003 11:17 a.m.
Well... I am now addicted to Magic: The Gathering. It makes me happy~~~ And I have a lovely deck-and-a-half cause some random guy gave Brenna and I a deck that he didn't want. O_o I like nice people! ^^

Other than that... not much news really. Am searching for a job and not finding one. >_< Seems I missed the Christmas rush and now have to wait till after New Years. Or so people keep telling me. Damn damn damn. Extra money would be so nice right about now.

... especially since Momma's birthday is in two days! Eeek! Gotta stop procrastinating about that damn present! >_<

Thursday, December 11, 2003 11:30 p.m.
Just got back from seeing Trans-Siberian Orchestra.

Duuuuuuuude... *_* It was unbelievably awesome. Words cannot even begin to explain.

But! I have news. They're gonna do a Bethoveen's Last Night tour and they're coming to Austin!!! WHOO!!! I am going to that show no matter what I have to do. ^_^

And as I didn't get any sleep last night, I think it is now time for me to go crash. @_@

Thursday, December 11, 2003 10:03 a.m.
One final down, one, maybe two to go. Goddamn this fucking spacebar!

... Anyway... Allialli never feel guilty for being happy. It's too good of an emotion to ruin by feeling guiltly about it.

I think I'm gonna go find a nice couch to nap on. ~_~

Wednesday, December 10, 2003 06:55 p.m.
It is NOT fucking funny when the plot of your life shows up on an episode of Friends. Arg! NOT FUNNY!!! NOT ON ANY FUCKING LEVEL!!!

Tuesday, December 9, 2003 06:22 p.m.
Well, had a busy morning. Started to cut the ivy off the wood of the house since part of it had found a way inside and it rather bothered Momma (okay, it bothered me too.) Didn't get it all done cause my wrists started to hurt. I'm gonna be feeling this fucking injury for the rest of my life. Damn me for not being more careful. Also felt sorry for the snake whose home I was partly tearing down so I left his little corner for now, though that was partly because I didn't want to pull him down on my head. It wasn't poisonous, but an unhappy snake isn't something you want falling down on you. I was rather surprised to see him still out since it's rather cool.

Then ran some errands for Momma, ran into an old friend's mom in Eckerds, and found a white chocolate Kit Kat. That was soo nice. ^____^ I love them and can't find them very often. Then came home and relaxed.

And then I came home and relaxed. I played more Harvest Moon than was good for my wrists and it now occurs to me that I've once again forgotten to eat lunch. Oh well. Might as well wait for dinner now.

Am listening to 'I'm Only Happy When It Rains' by Garbage. It's oddly fitting in some ways. Lately I've been feeling like my writing talents left me with my unhappiness and loneliness. I believe a little suffering has to be had in order to write well, if only to make the pain in the story believable, but this is rediculous. I want to be happy and write at the same time. It's stupid to think that something that makes me happy can only come when things are seriously wrong in my life. Gods I'm fucked up.

Monday, December 8, 2003 01:18 p.m.
Bleh. That's how I feel today. Just bleh. I don't want to do anything or go anywhere. It feels like I'll never write anything good again because all my inspiration has flown out the window.

Don't like days like this. I should be out looking for a job right now, but I'm closer to taking a nap. Maybe I should. Maybe it'll make me feel better. Narg.

What I really want to do is write. It makes me feel like I'm alive and having the characters around when I'm alone is a big plus too. I just can't seem to think of anything remotely interesting to write down though. Oh well. Am probably gonna read or take a nap or something. Bleh.

Saturday, December 6, 2003 10:49 p.m.
Okay... since people seem to be rather worried about my past comments, I suppose it's time for an explaination.

Okay, here goes. *deep breath*

It all starts with my love's best friend deciding that she was completely in love with Abe and wouldn't be happy unless he started going out with her. (I'm gonna omit the name because that's as nice to her as I can bring myself to be.) Now, Abe had asked her out at one point before we were together and she turned him down then.

So, having decided this, she tells Abe that unless he dumps me and goes with her, they can't be friends anymore. He was understandably upset by this, (anyone that knows him knows how much he cared for her) and argued with her a long time about it.

So, while that's happening in the background, I go to meet Abe at work and find him not quite okay. His mom had just called to tell him his sister had gotten into a bad wreck and might not make it. (people, don't drink and drive) He was in quite a state of shock to where most people would think he didn't care, but I could tell it was affecting him. So he decides he's gonna go to Corpus the next day to see her.

That night there was another long arguement with, well, her (okay, her name is Bob from now on) which ended in about the same way, was extremely painful to watch, and required me to restrain Abe at the end of it from doing... hell, I don't know what exactly he wanted to do, but it wasn't gonna be good.

The next morning Bob calls to tell Abe not to read an e-mail she sent and though I had to attempt to go to class in the middle of it (class wasn't there when I got there so I returned) the general gist of it was that she was now threatening to kill herself unless the decision was made in her favor.

Feel like you stepped into a soap opera yet? I sure do.

So, that conversation went on a long and painful time. Abe told her that he wanted to stay with me (gods that was a big fucking relief) that that upset her a lot. It ended with him telling her he'd call her back and see if she wanted him to come over and talk about it. We then went to Abe's parents house (we had done this the night before too) where Abe got scolded and generally mothered by, well, his mother. There was another long conversation with Bob while we were sitting in Abe's car outside his parents house that really went nowhere and had a lot of her apologizing and generally making him feel bad. (if you wanna know my opinion, I think she was just trying to stretch it out and get more attention)

So, we return to Abe's house and just collapse on the bed and take a nap. That much emotional stress is rather draining. When we wake up, I spend a good long time convincing Abe that he isn't a bad person and none of it was his fault. By this time its been going on so long it feels surreal and I've had an odd sense of deja vu about the whole thing ever since.

So, after awhile Abe is calmed down and I go home because I'm exhausted and he's got other people around him to help if he needs them. (this is where the fun part for me begins) I get home, tell Momma the story (which comes out disjointed because I can't think all that well) and her reaction is to ask what Abe did to provoke this. She refuses to believe me when I tell her nothing. (I have the distinct feeling that she hasn't completely trusted anyone in awhile cause she wouldn't believe me when I said that Abe and Bob had never been together and that Abe wouldn't lie to me) So anyway, I've broken down several times during this discussion cause it's really more than I can bear but she won't go away until I bascially ask her if anything I say will make her believe. She said no. It's kinda a conversation killer.

End of story is I fall asleep.

So, Abe is now in Corpus and will be coming back tomorrow. I am fine, so stop worrying about me. Abe will be okay once I convince him that it's not his fault. The news on his sister, for those of you wondering, is that she'll live, though they don't know what state she'll be in for the rest of her life because she had severe head trauma.

I think I got that all right. Abe can make any corrections he wants because I'm certainly no good at remembering things in the right order, so somethings may be muddled. Main points are all there though. *flop* I think I go crash now... or at least read until I sink into that sweet oblivion...

And now I'm pretending to be a poet. >_< Night all.

Thursday, December 4, 2003 08:41 p.m.
*twitch* Nope. Things didn't get better when I got home. So much for my mom being sympathetic. Who woulda thought she'd be so damn... what's the word... suspicious? about this?

... and I might post an explaination eventually. When I can think straight again and I don't cry at the drop of a hat from stress anymore. If you want an indication that this is something outside of my normal shit, here's one. I don't usually yell at my mom. My sister usually don't try to comfort me when I'm crying either because she doesn't normally see me do it.

So... sleep I think is the right choice now. May life be better in the morning.

Thursday, December 4, 2003 12:39 p.m.
Fuck this fucking week. If something doesn't go right soon I'm gonna go stark raving mad, if I don't just come apart at the seams first. (oh and right before I was gonna write this, Abe's keyboard tray lost a screw and I had to put it back together. Fuck this thing!)

Tuesday, December 2, 2003 11:28 a.m.

My life is rated R.
What is your life rated?

... you know, it's probably because of my cursing. ^^;;;;;

Well, I'm sick, but it's really not that bad. Just as long as I keep my fever in check with tylenol or something similar, I feel okay. Not nearly as bad as my boy (who I caught it from.) I don't mind much though. I wouldn't have given up having him at Thanksgiving for anything. It was fun. ^_^

Sunday, November 30, 2003 07:43 p.m.
Well, I'm 20 now. Weird. ^^ Had a good birthday, got to eat Momma's ever delicious cheesecake, and got presents. (some much better than others... last thing I really needed was a S'more cooker. ^^;;;;)

In other news... well there isn't much. One more week of school, then my finals and then I'm done. I really can't wait. Will be so nice to not have to go to school for a little while. >_< Can't wait to have interesting classes next semester too.

Should probably go type up a story that's been sitting in my Climate notebook. ^^ Will post it on the forum when I'm done.

Tuesday, November 24, 2003 07:40 p.m.
(Yes I know the date is from last week. I wrote this then, but forgot to put it up until now.)

Today has truly been a lazy day, but it’s one I’ve needed for I don’t know how long. I’ve done almost nothing but read and play (very little) Harvest Moon. I’m having to cut back on the gaming because my wrists are starting to protest and I’m fuckin terrified of losing use of them like I did for a little while in high school.

I feel, for the first time in a long time, like I want to write something. Lately what little I’ve written I did because I didn’t want it to fade. My time on the computer has diminished to almost none so that now I only check dailies and talk to people on AIM, if I manage to catch anyone. I don’t much anymore.

The kittens have been tearing around the house. We had to bring the plants in because of the cold and I think my favorite one suffered more from the kittens than it would have from the cold. I’ve put it behind several other (less beloved and fragile) plants in the hopes that they’ll stop laying in it, or whatever they did to break it like that. ;_; My poor plant! Patches has gotten to the age where she’s big enough to be destructive, so now we have two terrors. ~_~ Used to be she was too small to do much damage. Course, she also used to be stick thin. Now her middle name is Chubby.

I’ve had so much spinning through my head all day, but it seems to have fled now. Every time I step outside, everything seems beautiful and every time I raise my head from my book, I get that floaty feeling that always comes with the want to write. It’s like I have to be a little detached from this world to get anything good down, which would explain why I haven’t gotten much done lately.

Aka-chan has demanded several times that I go outside and See Her Mouse. I’ve done so and she then proceeds to bat it around like a maniac. There are reasons why I can’t really see rodents as pets and that sure is one of them.

Monday, November 24, 2003 11:12 a.m.
*sigh* Well, I do know that Abe and I are one of the couples Kitty was refering to. I have no excuses and nothing to defend myself with. I didn't used to like public displays of affection, and will still only go so far. I have long decided that love is an emotion that can't be described to someone who has never experianced it. For example (and here is where I turn into a dork) I was watching Star Trek (see, I told you) and Data (the android, if you don't know. ^^;;;;;) asked Jordi to describe anger. When Jordi tried, he could only do it using other words for anger and wasn't able the give the description Data needed.

So it's kinda like that. I can't describe love. I can't tell you why I like to be around Abe or why I feel closer to him than people I've known for so much longer. I will never be able to explain why I don't notice when friends get uncomfortable around us (though that just may be my denseness.) And on the other hand, I don't really understand why sitting in his lap (which I've done with Sharky and Brenna and several others) produces such a strong reaction in people. It seems that because we're together, most touching should be reserved for private. I'm sorry, but I don't understand this.

But on the other hand, I'm not gonna argue that I'm RIGHT, so I think I'll just leave it at that.

Tuesday, November 18, 2003 09:28 p.m.
Conversations with a three-year-old. (and I swear I'm not exaggerating or making up any of these.)

What's that?
A plant.
What's that?
A plant.
What's that?
A plant.
What's that?
A plant.
What's that?
A plant.
What's that?
*sigh*

Erica go home, Mommy come home. (for the 100th time)

That's red.
No, that's blue.
Nooo. That's red.
No, it's blue.
Red.
Whatever.
(The kid knows her colors, I swear. >_< It's her idea of a joke.)

Yeah. Guess what I did for 7 hours today. After doing housework here. I'M NOT GONNA HAVE KIDS FOR A FUCKING LONG TIME!!!!!!!!!!! ARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

....

I so needed that. ~_~

Friday, November 14, 2003 01:13 p.m.
If I only had a brain~~~~

Yeah... thought (again) that I had my anthropology class on Friday... and (again) didn't, as usual. ~_~ I want a brain! Or at least for mine to start working.

So am free... will probably do some errands before going home.

I wrote today! I felt so great. I put Linkin Park's Session on repeat and just wrote the image that plays in my head every time I hear the song. I'm rather proud of it and I'm gonna put it up on the forum once I get it typed. ^______^ Writing feels so gooooood~~~~

Friday, November 14, 2003 11:07 a.m.
Little kitties woke me up when it was still dark. One kitty didn't leave me alone till I retreated to Momma's bed probably an hour later, at least. (which, I've discovered, is much comfier than mine) ~_~ Kitties are cute only when I'm awake, or they're sleeping when I'm sleeping.

But otherwise, has been a good day. I'm gonna try to write something in a bit. I haven't written in forever and I'm starting to fear that I might let it slip forever. So I'm gonna write a little snippit that's been floating around in my head for awhile. Hopefully will get it done.

Okay... that's about it. Must go get food to fuel mind for said writing.

Thursday, November 13, 2003 09:33 p.m.
Current favorite kitty toy: KitKat wrapper.

Favorite kitty sleeping spot: against my head on the pillow.

Favorite kitty thing to do: TEAR STUFF UP!

Wednesday, November 12, 2003 11:07 a.m.
Finally! The interesting part of Climate is here! Whoo! It's the climate change part with the ice ages and global warming and such, which I've always been rather interested in. Yay~~~

Of course, this probably doesn't mean that I'll stop doodling in class. Have gotten rather addicted to that, unforunately.

And since I'm at one of those stand-up, five minute computers, I must go now. Ja~~~~

Monday, November 10, 2003 08:56 a.m.
And once again the lab didn't take very long and I'm at loose ends. ~_~ Should probably go run an errand and spread out my walking a little bit so I won't have to do it all after class.

And that's all I really have to say. Interesting, aren't I?

Monday, November 10, 2003 11:04 a.m.
The trip to Dallas was muchly fun. Got to see cousins, who I don't get to see more than once or twice a year now, and Grandpa. The birthday party was nice, I suppose. Katie, my three cousins, and I spent most of it staying together so they couldn't single us out and tell us how much we'd grown or corner us to talk about Grandpa or whatever. Was rather nervewracking. @_@ Did have a nice conversation with a writer who had self-published several of his books. He was very glad to see that I was 'getting an early start.'

Also got my butt beat twice in chess by my youngest cousin. "Don't worry, I'm not good at chess!" "... thanks Gwen." "Oops." Didn't win the pinball game either. Just wasn't my weekend for games.

The house also tried to attack me. There's a panel over the heater in the upstairs hall that doesn't stay on very well and it fell down right after I passed it. Sure woke me up. @_@

Also did my usual poking around the house just looking at stuff. I love that house. Very little has changed in the last 50 years. (I'm not kidding. There was a lady at the party that had been Aunt Janet's friend when they were kids and she was half expecting there to still be oreos in the cabinate and grilled peanut butter sandwiches.) I ended up coming back with some fountain pens (which I shall attempt to clean out and us), ink, some calligraphy nibs, a super weenie dog rabies tag from 1969, a llama pin from, Peru, and a thermos. I never really expect to find things to take home there, but it seems I do every time. I just love poking around and touching all the old things in that house. I found a book my mom made for my grandma that had pictures with captions of when Momma and Daddy were rebuilding the old Uhland house. Apparently Grandma liked it so much she took it to the hospital with her. I really really wish I had known her. From the stories I've heard and what I've been able to gather just by looking at her things, I think I would have liked her a lot.

But anyway. I must go forage for food now.

Friday, November 7, 2003 10:38 a.m.
One test down! Go me! Wasn't hard at all, which is a happy good thing. Just watch, though. The next one is gonna kick my butt to make up for it. ~_~

It's cooooold~~~ ^_____^ And that means I finally get to wear my cloak. Still needs a clasp, but I think I have an idea for that, so it's all good.

This'll probably be my last post till Sunday since I'm going to Dallas this evening, so ja!

Thursday, November 6, 2003 04:18 p.m.
Well, I can't get the answers to the review questions offline because either my computer or blackboard is being a bitch. So who knows if what I've got is right and I'm completely lost on some of these. Great. Just great.

Hate this goddamned fucking printer. It messes around with its cartriges for no reason and spits out blank pieces of paper randomly. Added to that, every time I turn it on, it slows the computer down for quite a bit while it tries to figure out how to connect to the computer. (yes, the answer to that is to leave it on, but that would entail me having to listen to it randomly making noises)

Be grateful. There was a lot of shit here I deleted because I couldn't stand to think of it being written by me. It more suited that whiny brat I used to be.

Wednesday, November 5, 2003 04:11 p.m.
Good things: headache gone, hunger gone, application turned in to Bookpeople. (though I got the feeling that they weren't hiring and weren't even really planning on reading it)

Bad things: TWO tests Friday (therefore can't see Steffie or my boy tomorrow), still tired, still don't care.

Great Inari, at this rate I'm just gonna crash and burn school wise. Physically too, now that I think about it. I'm praying that I crash at some point, anyway. To keep this up forever will drive me nuts. Just not before Friday, please. ~_~

Well, I don't actually have anything useful to say. This thing is just addictive to post in and it's nice to vent. Now just gotta figure out whether I should take a nap or study. Either way, not much is gonna sink in, but I'll feel more productive if I study.

Study until I fall asleep it is.

Wednesday, November 5, 2003 11:01 a.m.
Damn lab. Damn review that didn't help me worth shit. Damn headache.

I'm really not in that bad of a mood, except for the headache. I just feel kinda... out of it I guess. Can't really make myself care about anything. Not about school, not about the fact that my writing is in a complete and total rut and for the first time I'm thinking of just abandoning my book. I just don't care. I'm too tired to care. I can never fall asleep before 11 anymore and most nights it's much later. It doesn't sound all that late, but it is to me, especially when I have to wake up early. I woke up this morning with that achy, vaguely sick feeling I always get when I should have stayed asleep for the next few hours. This has really got to stop. >_<

And the problem is that I know it's completely mental. I lay there and my mind goes nuts while my body demands sleep and somehow my mind always wins until I just shut down.

But enough bitching from me... Think I shall go find lunch, since I ate mine for breakfast. I had to leave the house too fast to get anything so now all I've got is cookies.

Tuesday, November 4, 2003 09:56 p.m.
Narg. Had an entry and accidentally lost it. Here's a summery of what I said cause I'm too damn lazy *gets stuff thrown at her* to rewrite it.

I'm tired and need sleep.

Grandpa Kilby's 80th birthday is Saturday. There shall be a party.

Momma said she'd make me a cheesecake for my birthday! Yay for Mommy-lady!

And I'm postponing my birthday party until Christmas break until far away college people come home, so all you travelers tell me when you're gonna be here!

And now I think it's time for some of that much needed sleep. Ja.

Monday, November 3, 2003 04:24 p.m.
Okay, time for the first subject that's been floating around in the back of my head. It's about politeness.

Yes, I know some of you are laughing. I'm generally not a polite person with friends and other people I know, but I do know when to keep my mouth shut to avoid hurting people. And most people do, in person at least.

There is a tendency for people to think that the internet is completely separate from their lives and anything they say on it won't affect them. Therefore that politeness goes out the window. I have news for you. People read what you put up and they react to it the same way as they would if you said it to their face or in an e-mail or whatever. Yes, it is easier to say it in a blog, but one might want to think first if it should be said.

Now, most of you who read someone else's pita will probably be able to figure out who I'm talking about. My respect for this person has gone down quite a bit because of his inability to live and let live. I know he doesn't agree with my lifestyle, but I don't agree with his. Why can't we just leave it at that?

Monday, November 3, 2003 11:00 a.m.
Whoever designed the UT webpage should be SHOT. And whoever decided to change the course listing pages so that it's impossible to find (because they're no longer there) the course descriptions should be DRAWN AND QUARTERED AND LEFT HANGING FOR DAYS.

...yeah. I spent a very long time last night trying to figure out my courses for next semester, and some of this morning to. Ended up picking them by their titles, which probably wasn't the best of things to do, but there isn't really another way to to it. >_< Hate hate hate UT's registration. Welcome to UT. This is your number for you no longer have a name and, by the way, you have to be psycic (or however you spell that) to navigate our website. Enjoy!

Nrg. Need sleep very badly. Was nodding off last night as I was trying not to scream in frustration. But am now signed up for almost twice the hours I have this semester, so it's okay. Now have to cram for a test in 2 hours. What fun.

I have two rants that have been going on in the back of my head for some time and hopefully I will have the time and energy to do at least one of them when I get home. @_@ But for now, must study.

Wednesday, October 29, 2003 06:00 p.m.
Goodwill is a dangerous DANGEROUS place. I went wandering in there looking for something to use as a halloween costume and came out with two shirts and a pair of pants, none of which I shall use in said halloween costume. The shirts a really cool though. ^^ And I think getting the pants was a small price to pay for not being dragged into EVERY FUCKING STORE at the Ren Faire because I'm wearing jeans. I hate the Faire snobs. >_<

But anyway... still don't have a costume. Grr. Shall now just delve into my closet and put random things together. (like I did last year... and the year before... and, wow, I've been doing that for awhile)

So... the shitload (aka the 'sugerload' as Momma likes to call it) has arrived from Grandma. I want Katie to get here so I can open it! Grr!

*sigh* Should probably go do something productive...

Wednesday, October 29, 2003 08:53 a.m.
Nrg. One of these days that damn lab will last more than half an hour and I won't be left wandering around the campus for an hour and a half.

Feel like I should be really sleepy, but surprisingly am not. Just sort of out of it instead. Will probably find a crossword puzzle and just do it for the next hour. ~_~

And I find it interesting that all of your arguments inevitably end up saying that homosexuality is wrong. If I were Freud, I'd have some very nasty things so say about you.

But I'm not and Freud was mostly full of shit anyway. So I'll just take my mentally ill self and go sin a little, 'kay?

Monday, October 27, 2003 10:03 p.m.
*looks at completely full shelf of books to be read*

You know, fuck it. I can't sleep until at least 11 anyway and I WANT TO READ SOMETHING OTHER THAN A TEXTBOOK!!! ARG!!!! *grabs book and goes off to corner to read it*

Sunday, October 26, 2003 09:07 p.m.

Discworld: Which Ankh-Morpork City Watch Character are YOU?
brought to you by Quizilla

o_O.... Um... I have no idea how I got her. I'm not as cool as she is.

And now for Things One Usually Doesn't Expect From Ricky:
1) I want OUT of this house.
2)The cats are driving me up the wall.

Yeah... I'm tired and sick of cockroaches in the cabinate. I want there to stop being black specks in the bottom of clean cups and I want the damn cats to stop hissing at each other FOR JUST TWO SECONDS GODDAMN IT!

Arg. I really don't feel like myself at the moment.

Add on Well, am now laying in bed with a warm laptop in my lap (tis very cold in here cause I accidentally left my windows open till this evening) and feel... well, not better, but number. Have discovered that I have Meteora on my laptop and that's helping.

So... It wasn't that I had a bad day. Things have just been building up lately. I'm really starting to feel the need to get out of this house and (somewhat) on my own. It not gonna happen for awhile though.

I hate it when I see what a fucking bum I am. I do nothing but make excuses for myself that not even I believe. I hate looking at myself in the proverbial mirror because what I see is a bum who doesn't want to put any effort into anything. And that's all I really am.

Well, enough of my shit.

You know, Session has got to be one of the better Linkin Part songs. It's just good music with no lyrics to get hung up on.

Wednesday, October 22, 2003 06:55 p.m.
You know how you guys that that theory that my gay was floating around and waiting for someone to infect? I found the gay. *points to Abe* It's in him.

And, yes, I am serious.

Tuesday, October 21, 2003 10:15 p.m.
Okay... you know how when you can't having something, you usually want it more? I've been wanting to post for DAYS. @_@ I'm not entirely sure I'll have the energy I need to say everything I want to tonight. (nor do I think I'll remember it all)

So, to start with, for the first time in my life I'm seriously considering moving out. It's not because my parents are bugging me, it's not because I don't like it here, and it's certainly not because the food is bad. It's because for over 11 years I have been living in two different houses with two different beds, two sets of stuff and I Hate It. I'm not sure why I've reached such a level of annoyance about this after so long, but it is now really bugging me. I want to live in ONE house, have ONE family, have ONE bed. I want just one place to call home.

Now, I understand that time will not go back and magically change itself, nor do I really want it to. Too many good things happened as a result of my moving to Austin when my parents spilt to wish for that. What I want is a way out of this. My problem is that I'd be so completely and totally unhappy living in a dorm it wouldn't even be funny. I need to see people I know every day and talk to them before I go to sleep. I love goofing around with my mom and sister during dinner and I'm not entirely sure how I'd take living without even one cat for the first time in my entire life. @_@

Yeah yeah, I know what you're thinking. Suck it up and quit whining if you don't like the solution. What I'm really hoping is that I'll be able to get an apartment somewhere near campus (perferably where I don't have to drive >_<) and probably with a roomate since living in Austin is So Freaking Expensive.

But anyway, enough of that. Um... I know I have lots of other things to say, but they're not coming to me right now. >_< I'll write again later.

Tuesday, October 7, 2003 11:49 a.m.
Well… haven't written in here awhile, have I? ^^;;; Have had lots of fun stuff happen though.

Abe and I had our 'first date' (just don't ask how we could go 8 months and not have a date, I don't get it either) Sunday. We went to Iron Chief (YUM!) then to see Maroon 5. The line was halfway around the block when we got there, but we were glad we got there when we did cause it was twice as long when they started letting us in. One of the opening bands (Marc Broussard) was really really really good. Was kinda funk with a little bit of gospel and a Cajin accent mixed in. ^^ I got the recording of the show they did and am gonna get his cd (which is rather cheap. yay!) once I put my change into my bank account. (counted the change in my change jar and found 92 bucks in there. O_o... dood...)

The second opening band... to say it sucked just doesn't do it justice. Since the speakers were having problems, it was physically painful because he sang so loud into the mic and the treble was so high. >_< We spent most of that show with our hands over our ears, and we weren't the only ones. My ears still hurt a bit and I don't think I'm gonna be wearing headphones for awhile.

It rained a bit and some people left, but I thought it was great. Nice and cool. Then it cleared off with clouds in the distance and listening to the concert while watching the lightening was just perfect.

But then Maroon 5 came on! They're great live and they played a new song that was rather good. ^^ (hell, they don't have any bad songs. ^^;;;;)

So it was a good night, though for some reason I didn't sleep well afterwards. Didn't sleep well last night either. @_@ What's up with this? I want sleep!

So... now I can either work on my book or do house chores no one else wants to touch with a ten foot pole for money... writing it is!

Friday, October 3, 2003 04:36 p.m.
This is probably gonna be rather rambling and I'd advise people not to read it. I just gotta get this outta my system.

I really really wish I could hate people sometimes. I wish I could not care what they thought of me and shut them out of my thoughts. But I can't. All the hate I have is reserved for one person, and as he is long gone, it doesn't even matter anymore. I might complain about past insults or events, but I know in my heart that they no longer really matter anymore.

I sometimes wonder if I'm too forgiving, but I look back on my life and see all the places where I could have held grudges and damaged friendships, and I'm glad that I can forgive so easily. The past is gone. It doesn't matter what happened in it because it no longer exists. I'm friends with people in the present, and I rather like it that way.

I also hate having people mad/annoyed with me. It gets under my skin like nothing else because no matter what I say about people in general, I really do care what my friends think of me. It's odd how in our society it's bad to admit something like that, but it's probably true of almost everyone. I could only come out completely as gay, dress the way I want, and act the way I want because I know my friends don't think bad of me because of it.

... well, most of them anyway. If you don't, you know who you are.

Archived finally. Actually put a link up this time, in case you're crazy enough to read my past stuff.